first attempt at eating.... diagnosis: difficult...

so, i went to the dentist today, was supposed to go on tuesday but they had to reschedule because the doctor got sick, so i went today instead. It was only supposed to be him checking out my teeth, getting some x-rays done, and a consultation on what i need to do to keep/get my teeth healthy. For 4 or so years of not going to the dentist i only had one cavity... GO ME! and i need to get my wisdom teeth pulled so they set up an appointment with an oral surgeon in the area for that , and then i was out in the lobby and the nurse lady rushed in a few moments later to tell me they had just had a cancellation and would you like to get that cavity filled now? Well hot damn, why not!? so i did.... the doctor guy is really nice. and he shot me so full of novacain that he actually affected a nerve to my eye and so now my eye is numb as well, lol ^_^ thats what i get for telling them that in my memory, novacaine isn't as affective on me as it is for most people.

so now, i only have to go get my wisdom teeth out, get my teeth cleaned and then get consulted over braces... hurrah!

xoxo
-me

so, had a good potluck yesterday. the kids were to affraid to eat my corndish, but the parents really enjoyed it, and Shevitz Sensei's wife thought it was nice that I took consideration for the veggitarians in the crowd ^_^ so I gave them the rest of it since i hardly think i'm going to eat half a baking dish full of corndish no matter how i like the stuff... plus i have no microwave so leftovers are annoying rather than something i look forward to right now ... didn't finish the clean up though, so i'm hoping i won't have an influx of fruitflies before i manage to get home and scour the icky away from my kitchen. I've only ever spotted one fruitfly around the apt. but i'm terrified that it's going to go Asexual on me an suddenly i'll have swarms >_<.

I'm going to go see 30 days of Night this weekend with my fellow coworkers... we weren't able to convince My boss to go though, she's even more scared of scarey movies than I am ^_^ which is saying something. It should be fun though, i usually love vampire movies :D

So, I want to do something for halloween, i even got the day after off... but i might just be successful in sitting at home with a sugar high playing video games. unless someone would like to do something with me?

off i go back to work!

-Stefanie

WHEEE, well i mean it's worse than usual, not that i'm complaining, just an observation.

Going to be cooking tonight for a potluck we are having at the dojo tomorrow night following testing for belt ranks. I'm not eligible yet, though i'm sure i'll be up the next time testing comes around if he doens't see fit to elevate me before then. it will be fun though, i'm excited to see what testing is all about, plus some of our brownbelts are testing for first rank black so that's neat ^_^. I'm going to make corndish, which is something that my family makes, never had a complaint about it, ususally everyone loves it, and it's a vegetarian, though not vegan, dish and even though there are only like 1 or 2 veggies in our dojo, i'd still like to bring something that everyone can enjoy... unless they are lactose intollerant ^_^ i hope not.

worked about 16 hours of overtime this weekend helping one of our other branches do inventory, the time flew by and i was pleasantly suprised. Also, i picked up another book by Robin Hobb who, if you have not read her stuff, is a fantastic writer in my opinion. I was obsessed with her Farseer trilogy, it's the first time in a long time where i had a very hard time putting the book down even at work. and now i've finished that series and moved on to the Tawny man series which actually has the same characters in it, or the same main characters, just a few years down the road, and it's not an abrasive unbelievable interval between one adventure and the next, it actualy meshes quite well and i love it so far. My kitten, vesper, has seen fit to nibble off the edges of the cover already *sigh* she chews on everything, when she's not busy attacking freya, or practicing pouncing on my feet or stomach. for having only one eye, she's pretty whiley if not bright ( i think she's got some mental issues).

I'm really looking forward to working out tonight ^_^ i'm hopeing it will relieve some of my tension that i get from just day to day stuff, though i'm going to have to be careful because my knees are a little tenderfrom standing on my feet for 16 hours on a concrete floor :( but i think i'll be ok.

anyway!! buh bye!

-me

No more cold, *jumps for joy* and now i can go back ot aikido... i also just remembered that i never returned my old Key in to Archstone... *woops* looks like i'll be stoping there first, need to remember to put it in an envelope because they probably won't be open by the time i get there... maybe i can just send it to them in the mail? it's an awful inconvenience to drive all the way out there with only that as the reason...where's the incentive? ^_^

i think that's what i'll do, send it to them in the mail with a nice handwritten letter

ANYWAY i also get to have a massage today so i'm excited about that too *squee* i'm helping my coworker's SO with her business, so i'll be showing her some stuff i did for her

back to work now!

-me

creating a black hole that will slowly suck in the universe.

i have a cold... *sigh* and the pressure in my head is nigh unbearable. I want to go home and sleep, but instead i'll probably go home andm ake myself all depressed because i've been told, yet again, that i'm not experienced enough, or have the "pop" that obviously everyone else in my graduating class who succeeded in getting a job with the same amount of experience i have has, i can't get a job. *pouts and initiates feeling sorry for myself mode"

but really, i get it, i understand, i mean i've pretty much wasted the entire last year and a half trying to get myself remotivated to do the work i did in college and improve myself. I don't understand the underlying fear i have when i get on the computer and open up XSI, staring at a void and suddenly i become ADD Girl who will think of everything possible to not work on a project, it's like all joy has gone out of doing it. And I know it's because ive been rejected. but lets face it, I can do better.

On the upside, i have been feelign the urge to work on my stuff again, and i've been drawing and helping a lady i know do some Graphic Arts stuff for her massage business. And actually my proportions on the drawings i've been doing are MUCH better than they were when i was forcing myself to do them , and i'm actually enjoying myself again. I think perhaps i've come to the realization that, yes, i don't have a job, and no i won't get a job as long as the crap i've been doing is up there as my "best stuff". But, i have a job right now, one that isn't so bad, doesn't pay great, but I don't dread going to it every day, and i get off at 4:00 pm every day and i go to Aikido like 3-4 times a week ,and I get to do things i've neverdone before and i feel centered. SO now i'm starting to do art for myself again, to enjoy it and look forward to it. I still feel ADD about it and i know i will for a while still yet, but i "think" i've gotten enough confidence back in myself to attempt to start modeling and then animating again. because i think it's really important for me to learn to model better and model for myself what i want to animate.

also, i'm going to start looking into online classes or local CC classes for computer programming.

Wish me luck.

*hugs*
-me

Does anyone else hate that feeling when you get back from a trip that you actually had a lot of fun on, and a few days later, or even after the first nap, everything that happend in that week, or weekend or however long it was, starts to seem very surreal? like it didnt' happen at all and was more like it was part of an extrememly pleasant dream?

I very much dislike it, because i have such a horrible memory to begin with, but i live my life in the details, so it's disorienting and upsetting when things start to become surreal and vague and none of the details are clear any longer. And then the only thing you have left is your normal day to day life. Getting "back to normal" is the hardest part of life.


Either way, this year's pasco, and my first (probably my last) was a big success, i thuroughly enjoyed myself, though i've finally found my hang over threshold ... 3 days and nights of almost constant drinking, and i had a 48 hour detox... detoxing was a less than thrilling experience. but the rest of the time was mostly fun.

I have 2 songs stuck in my head now at the same time, i've been listening to music more often lately.

I don't remember the song names because i've always been bad at remembering that sort of stuff but it's by Portishead and starts like:
"I'm so tired, of playin,
playing with this bow and arrow,
gonna give my heart away,
leave it for the others girls to play.

Give me a reason, to love you.
Give me a reason, to be a woman."

i like that song

and then another one from Massive Attack, who if no one has heard them, is a great group, they do the theme song for house. but it goes

"Shame, such a shame, thing i've gone and lost myself again.

Name, say my name, need a little love to ease the pain"

You'd have to hear the songs but they are really quite good, very catchy, cantget them out o' me brain

anyway, back to work i go!

i seem to be in a funk, and by this i mean that i seem to be thinking of depressing things. Despite this though, i'm very happy as of late so it seems weird. Or maybe my brain has just been storing up things to think about until i AM happy, so that perhaps i have a higher capacity and better chance of dealing with these things in an appropriate and non-self-effacing way. *shrug* either way i'm happy so i suppose my body knows what it's doing... or one can hope.

I have an eric clapton song stuck in my head, it got stuck there yesterday evening and won't seem to dislodge, and the main part that keeps running through my head( you know how it does that, just repeats like a skipping disk) goes "And so it goes, and so it goes, and so will you soon I suppose..." i remember that song as being a particularly sad one, i wonder why it's stuck in my head... hence my above paragraph on "the funk". i should really see if i can find a website to let me listen to it. Usually that will help me get it out of my head... or perhaps it's just because of yesterdays' dream, either way it's a good song, just confusing as to why it's stuck in my head. And it produces that same, saddish/melancholy feeling as i kept having yesterday whenever i get to the "and so will you soon i suppose..." part... ANYWAY, sorry, i'm rambling on, picking apart things that probably don't have any hidden meaning to them at all ^_^.

Going to the sleep doctor today, he's going to tell me if i need to have a sleep study done to see if i have apnia... i hope i dont, i really dont' want to have to do something like wear and oxygen mask when i go to sleep at night. i mean, that... just isn't sexy. "time to go to bed." .... "OK hun, let me go grab my oxygen tank!" i'd be a BABE... *sigh* although, at the same time it's also an amusing concept. we'll see.

Started Aikido on monday, thus far it has been fun, though i've only gone the one day because yesterday i was, so very sore. as so many out of shape people say, i have discovered i have muscles that i swear shouldn't exist. So i didn't go yesterday although i was planning to. But i'm going to go today to make up for it, and hopefully tomorrow as well. I'll get my Gi "in theory" by next week. so right now i have a "Gi in potentia" and have to run around in sweat pants and a long sleeved shirt./... however i have no long sleeve shirts, so i'm runing arount trying to make a 3/4 sleeve into a long sleeve >_< i'm going shopping this afternoon.

toodles!

I had a dream last night, it was an odd dream. I met a friend I hadn't seen since sophomore year of high school, and i was overwhelmed by this deep feeling of sadness that persisted until even after i woke up, and i can grasp it even now just thinking about it. I'm sad because of what's lost, and sad because we've grown apart, sad at what could have been and what could still be if life weren't so turbulent in such funny little ways.

I"m so very sad that the likely hood of me ever seeing him again is next to 0, because he has moved on with his life and I with mine, and we have new best friends and haven't spoken to each other in ages, and when we have... it's just not the same. But i so want to see him again, to hug him and cry and tell him how much i miss him. But oddly, at the same time, i feel so good that i even had the chance to know him, so my sadness is mixed with joy. He's probably the best friend i've ever had, and so i suppose it's not suprise that i mourn his loss and only allow myself to dwell on it now because i've allowed that loss to grow distant.

I hope i dream of him more often.

Gonna be lvl 70 BE priest tonight! wootness!! working on a hunter now, our WoW playing schedule, i assume, is going to start slacking off here with the completion of lvl 70.

been doing alot lately, had some stressful times, but i'm feeling good now *shrug* take the good with the bad i suppose.

not much to update on really though, going to work, goin home, taking a nap, playing games, going to sleep, wash rinse and repeat.

-me!

so the place i work at now... probably the most laid back, fun atmosphere i've had the joy of being in, in a long time. granted, i have to wake up at 6am to be her at 7.... and anyone that knows me knows my natural wakeup time is no earlier than 9am.Today i was over 30 min late to work, i have a good work ethic and being late is, to me, on of the most humiliating things because there's no excuse for it, i get more than enough sleep at night so it shouldn't be a problem but for me it is one :( *sigh*

Either way, at work we are having yet another BBQ ... this is like the 5th time since i started working here lol, it's awsome. we are getting ribs, andm y aunt is the best cook EVER so they are going to be awsome.

taking me awhile to write this update lol, i just had to go and scale a wall to get some screws, i need to learn to run the cherry picker (order taker) I keep getting called away to work.... how inconvenient lol :P j/k of course.

The majority of the rest of my life has calmed down, i've sectioned off Rob to some distant corner of my life, we interact and are civil and friendly with each other, even occasionally make plans together, we're nowhere close to the "best friend" stage that we had originally wanted... but at least it's feeling stable again and i've withdrawn myself from the drama of his life and am just a bystander to give him hugs and let him cry on when bad things happen.. i've given up giving advice though... just not worth it really.

Got my BE Priest up to lvl 63... we're considering making another duo and have been pondering the combinations. Adam came up with a really intriguing duo possibility yesterday.that could either really work well or really be hard to utilize... 2 Warlocks... no healer or tank, but 2 different pets out... would be really really interesting.

ANYWAY i'm going to run off now and do other things... toodles all!

-me

I don't know why i punish myself. I always think i'm doing something that will improve my life and it almost always leaves me feeling alienated and alone. I need to be protected from myself.

I got a room mate this past year who was not my sister. we were friends with benefits and things were going well. He started dating other girls, i was apprehensive, but accepting because i knew it would happen.... and then he crossed the line. Back when we first moved in together, i sat him down and had a talk with him. "

"I don't mind if you have relationships with other girls, i don't mind if you fall in love and have a girlfriend. All of those are good things. However, be aware that i will nver be ok with you having females over to the house. So i can only really move in with you if we make an agreement that there will be no members of the opposite sex over to the appartment."

and he agreed

Fast forward 4 months, he starts dating this girl named Tina. Someone who i can't stand. everything i know about her grates against the very fiber of my personality. She's lazy, she wastes government money by going to school (assuming she still does) and not knowing what she's going to school for, she lives with her parents (well, more like mootches off of them), can't keep a job (i think she had one for about a week at some point durring the past month), and she doesn't respect anyone, completely selfish, i say that because she sneaks rob in after her parents have gone to sleep so that they can sleep together... anyone else think this screams High School mentality? so basically i see her as a 20year old waste of human flesh.

in the beginning of the relationship, i tried to relax my outlook on things, i was over at Adams house all the time, rob was alone, and tina couldn't bring him over to her house for whatever reason. so i said "ok, you can have her over, but keep it clean" and so it went for a couple of weeks, then one day i see him wandering around without his shirt on and a hickey near his pant line near his groin. my comfort level dramatically decreases... because i don't know about you, but thats not "keeping it clean" so i tell him i dont' want her coming over any more, i'm sorry, i tried to be nice, but i just can't do it, this is very much outside of my comfort level. i reminded him of the promise he made when we moved in together and he backed down and said ok.

he brought it up again one more time in March, and i said no again, "i'm sorry, i just don't want to feel like i live in a brothell, its really disconcerting to find other people hair all over my stuff, it's just gross to me" i mean hell i don't know where they're having sex, i don't know what they are doing, and if he was my friend it should just be enough that i am not feeling comfortable with it, and the fact that he made the agreement, that he wouldn't bring a female home.

but evidentally the one request i've made is just too much to ask for. the one thing i required of him before i became his room mate is just to outrageous. When i went to Sakura Con he brought her for a sleep over, because he thinks he should be allowed to bring over anyone he wants to the appartment. I agree that he should be able to bring people over, but to a limited extent.... i mean i would feel just as uncomfortable having him bring someone over who was a chronic theif or something like that (that's just an extreme example) and now there's nothing i can do, he's not going to stop, and he obviously has no respect for me or my feelings.... i don't know how i can call him a friend when he can't even follow through with the ONE THING i asked him to do when we moved in together... and i don't understand what's so hard to comprehend about comfort level. I mean i don't know ANY girl who would be happy and accepting of someone hanging out at the appartment you share with someoen you've had sex with at some point, and having sex with them. no matter what they say, i know for a fact that it would not be a comfortable situation. but evidentally it doesn't matter as long as he gets what he wants.

so now i'm stuck living in a place i'm totally uncomfortable living, with a room mate who doesn't give a damn and is obviously prepared to lose a friend over this pathetic excuse for a girl. If it was someone i liked? like eli? or Raven? maybe it would be easier, but i know what's going to happen next, mark my words... she will bat her eyes at him and ask "y'know? why can't i come over EVERY night even when your room mate is around? I don't understand what the problem is." and rob, being the big retarded self interested asshole he has become will say "y'know? your right, fuck stefanie's comfort level, i'm giving you the spare key, come over whenever, my room mate will just have to deal with it, it's not like she can stop us anyway" and thats what's going to happen, and i won't be able to do anything, i can't do ANYTHING anymore, i'm stuck and i can't do anything.... the only thing i can say is that whenthat happens, he better be prepared to start paying her share of the rent, because as far as i'm concerned at that point she will be another room mate, and i will only be paying $300 a month and next to no utilities because i won't be there that often. or he better be prepared to pay all of it because if she is there every night, i'm not going to be, and i'm not going to pay for a place i'm not living in because he's made it an unbearable situation by not being able to keep his hormones in check when he's at our appartment.

i'm getting punished for his worthless girlfriends inability to hold a job and get her own appartment... so because of her ineptitude "I" get to suffer....


well, at least i only have to wait intil december to be out of a lease.

-stefanie

YAY! Sakura Con is coming!!!! *cheers* and in true con form, i will not have my costume done until the day before the con (today) and there is still much to do, but i broke my needle yesterday so i gave up for the day and played WoW instead... YAY lvl 39 priest! she's catching up with Shio, taking her forever thought :(. but yeah i have to go get a new needle today, and some faux leather for my shoes and a bag, and i need to go find some glass bottles with rubber stoppers for cheap (i'm thinking the $1 store...) and get some red and green koolaid (and candy upon the request of my fellow cosplayers) and i need to finish sewing my shirt (which shouldn't take long after i get the correct needle *knock on wood) and my apron, which i also have to use a fabric marker on to create a pattern as depicted in the picture, that should be fun, but it will also probably be nerve wracking since i only get one shot >_< at all of this... OH and i cant forget black stockings!! and one of those bleach pens.... AND i have to figure out how to sew a damn square collar... that should be fun in "THEORY" it will be easy.... i have a feeling it will take me forever to figure out, that and the little hair thingy that she wears, i was trying to riddle that out the other day and i "think" i figured it out, though obvously, no guarentees.

I was going to participate in the Karaoke contest but my life is so busy now that i never had time to learn the words *sniffles*, BUT i get to be in a human chess competition... i'm a bishop! maybe i'll hit up the costume store and pick up a cheapo plastic dagger for my character otherwise she has no weapons with which to fight, and that would be bad. If only i'd thought to make a crossbow replica... that would have been cool.

anyway, i ahve a budget of $100 for the rest of this stuff... so wish me luck, i think the $1 store is about to be my best friend... and i might actually have some red and green koolaid at home... i'm not sure...Anyway, wish me luck!



Time to get back to work now ^_^

-me

I am :P

my life has been absurdely busy and for no apparent reason. I just go home, and suddenly i have something to do, and when it's not going out somewhere it's cleaning... the cleaning process is never done. I swear if i ever have enough money i'm hireing someone to do my cleaning for me so i don't have to waste hour upon hour a week doing it. I mean i don't mind cleaning like once a week, but with 2 people and 1 animal in a small appartment it really gets messy pretty quickly. Oh well, I've noticed though, with the increase of activity, any sudden lull has the possibility of sending me into a small depression, which is kinda pathetic, have i lost all ability to stand on my own and be on my own? i sure hope not. I'm hoping that my mind is just enjoying the constant stimulation and not being bored, and alone.

However, that being said, i am looking forward to the possibility of at some point in the future liveing on my own again, hopefully living close to my friends as i do now, but i'd like to be in charge of my own apartment and life again. Not to say that i'm not enjoying myself, on the large whole i am, very much, enjoying having a room mate who's actually nice to come home to, but it all feels so artificial, i can't really explain why. i mean i've typed it and i sit now and think 'what do i mean by that" but i have no answer, it's just a state of feeling.

Anyway, i'm going to go work on my SC outfit tonight at my sister's so that's exciting, anyway, we'll see how it goes...

not much of an ending but time to get back to work either way

-me

i have a fever of 102.1 now... or i should say again probably considering it started yesterday. i was feeling better this morning and decided to go into work and do my morning stuff and then come home.... not the brightest idea ever....

and since i got home at 8:30 this morning i've been sleeping off and on, and i decided that because my temperature is so high, i 'll make myself some food so i can take my pills... huzzah

i would kill for some 7-up right now... i can't find my phone to mooch off of anyone though *pouts*

oh well,

ta ta for now
-me

my head hurts.....




that is all...

no, wait, i'm just really tired, almost zombie "like" if you will ...

ANYWAY so, yes, it has been awhile since i have updated. much has been happening in my life much of which has left me with little "me" time, which is ok because i love being around people one on one. I love the fact that i'm never REALLY alone anymore, my roomy may be on the phone with one of his harem girls, but he's still there, and we've become so used to each other and gotten over our jealousy's that he doesn't always leave the room if he's on the phone and will let me take a nap next to him on the couch when he does so, unless he's being mooshy, in which case i shoo him away. and all my other times are being filled up by my new friend Adam, my sister (who's feeling social lately again [yay free drinks for me!]), and recently elaine and greg again. OH and my days are filled up with my new job, which is good, it's no where near my dream job but it's better than princess and good money, so it will be easier to pay back loans and pay rent.

I have been really tired alot lately though, i think i need to start taking some vitamins, i mean you can only be so healthy when you are sitting in front of a computer most of the day lol, so i might as well help myself out if i can. Plus i've been taking naps regularly when i get home... 6AM wakeup time does not agree with me >_<.

so all feels good and right with the world right now. just figured i'd give a heads up


Toodles!
me

Curse my coworkers for bringing in their delicious candy food stuffs! and someone here has a child in girlscouts and i found myself unable to deny the pull of "thin mints" ... so i ordered 2 boxes *breaks down and cries* i'm so weak!

heehee, anyway, i got a new job, not the game company one, long story, if you don't already know it and are curious then ask me and i will rant my heart out to you. But i am not working as a receptionist for a fishing company, lovely co-workers thus far and $2 more an hour than princess gave me. Also, we are really slow right now, and it's AMAZING, they will let me do whatever i want on the internet as long as it doesn't interfere with my work... so as long as i'm still making them coffee we are good to go!

:D so i decided to actually update this because i can! suprising yeah?though i've actually been pretty good about that lately, the bad thing is i've been depressed lately, but like most things in my life things have seemed to have worked themselves out. huzzah. now to get myself into trouble again! WOOT

Yeah, i'm at work, i'm drinkin too much coffee, i'm bored, i'm eating to many cashews, i'm bored, i'm all fidgety, i'm bored, and i'm on MSN AT WORK! everyone flock to talk to me! yar, i require attention :D! shooby dooby doooooooooo. i should not be sitting at a desk with this much energy, i need to stop drinking coffee and i need to stop taking naps, though i haven't been doing that much lately, i took a nap last night for some dumb reason about an hour before i actually went to bed.... sometimes i'm a real tard :D.

Oh well, i get to see michael tonight YAY and go out ot Dinner YAY and... well thats all i have planned for tonight.

huh, that didn't take NEARLY as long as i thought it would :D. now i get 3 posts in one day.

just one final thought on new years eve and the start of a new year. i got no new years kiss, and it was ok because i only really would have wanted it from one person and he would not have been able to be there had i begged and pleaded with him because he sticks to his guns and he is only here for a short while and must share his attentions among his many friends. But i hope the future brings lots of kisses, embraces and tender moments.

and now that i've made everyone who isn't him, vomit with my sugar coated thoughts, i will bid you all goodnight, i may have a lord of the rings marathon tonight... i have not decided... hmmmmmmmmm